Dear Mia: Part 13

Mia, you are almost 29 months old now, and I have been writing, rewriting and editing this post for probably the past 3 months. Things change so fast lately. You are so BIG all of a sudden. You are a person with complex emotions and long legs and complete thoughts.

 I wrote this 2 or 3 months ago (I was feeling like we were careening into a possibly dark place):
"This age is so hard for me, so so hard. I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I am not a patient person (but you already knew that), and every waking moment you are testing what tiny shred of patience I have. You scream at me, talk back, and throw fits at the drop of a hat. Your mood is volatile at best. I'm sure most if this is completely normal toddler behavior, but some nights I go to bed certain that I have completely screwed up as a mom.

Naps are hit or miss these days. I'm terrified of what this means when the baby comes and I need to rest, but so many things can change in the next 2 months, I'm trying not to feel too in despair."

But just a few months later and I feel like things are so EASY right now. You play independently so that I can get things done around the house. You follow directions pretty well. You are funny and sweet and brilliant. We are in a groove with eating and sleeping (not that either of those things are in an ideal place, but I am accepting where we are). And in just a few months your baby sister will be here to throw us all into a tailspin again. I try not to be to scared about that, I am trying to just revel in how every day lately has it's own rhythm that we manage to ride out without too much catastrophe. Yes, you are difficult and strong willed and throw tantrums (you are 2 after all, it's not all rainbows and sunshine over here), but you are my little side kick right now, and I just want to cherish every moment alone with you cuddled up to my giant belly sucking your thumb and stroking my arm.

Sometimes (okay, about a hundred times a day) I am completely caught off guard and left breathless by how beautiful you are. And I say this knowing that I love you more than anyone in the world, but hoping that you know I'm trying to be subjective. You are just gorgeous in such a pure, round-faced, rosy-cheeked way. I notice it and attempt to capture it in a picture and it simply does not translate, so I stare harder trying to burn the image of you at this very moment into my brain, because you are walking, breathing beauty.

We went to West Virginia for a wedding a few months ago where you got to meet a lot of my extended family you had never seen before. You charmed the pants off of everyone there. My aunt sent me an email a few weeks later going on and on about how smart and sweet you are.

You still love pretend games. You also make up imaginary friends often to play with. Usually it's a friend named Goofy playing chase with you, sometimes it's an imaginary monkey you push in the swing in the backyard. Sometimes you pick up rocks or wood chips on the playground and then push them in the swing or down the slide like they are playmates. You talk to your food and sometimes make your hands fight over a toy or a snack.

You seem to be getting excited about the idea of your baby sister. You lift my shirt and command me to "open up baby sister." You give me/her check ups with your doctor kit and bend over my belly button shouting, "Hello baby sistah!" You tell me how when she comes out you will hold her and feed her and her first word will be "Mia." I just can't wait to see the two of you grow up together. I can't wait for us to be a complete family.

You have begun to exhibit fears about a lot of things. Sometimes you are scared of the bathtub, sometimes it is a character on a TV show. You are often scared of strange men or boys. Whenever we talk about having a new experience or going to a new place you have to talk yourself into by saying, "It will not be scary. Mommy will be right here." Of course a healthy fear in life is necessary to not get yourself into dangerous situations, but I attempt to walk a fine line of not encouraging it too much. You are still quite fearless when it comes to climbing and playgrounds and water.

We moved you into your new big girl room with a real twin bed a few nights ago. You were (and still are) so very excited about your new room and new bed. You tell me several times a day, "I love my new room!" And your room makes me so happy now too because you love it so much. The transition was painless. I'm always so nervous to change any of your sleeping habits, but you've proven to be far more flexible than I ever expected.

At the moment I am attempting you potty train you. You seem to do best with just being thrown into things. You're not so good with slow transitions, so I thought that was the way to go. I didn't think about how hard it would be on ME though. It's frustrating to have someone peeing all over your house for days with no end in sight, but I'm trying not to show you my frustration and to be encouraging when you go on the potty. I think you are ready, it's just taking longer than I had hoped. 

Almost everything that comes out if your mouth lately makes me laugh. You try to skirt around being told no by answering, sweetly with "But we will see," or "But you can try!" You say "yessiree!" and "Aw, shucks" when I kiss you. On the flip side you snap at me "Don't talk to me that way," and "Stop bossing me!"

You call lemonade "lemomade" (which is made from "lemomens"). You call toilet paper simply "toe-let," and I've begged your dad not to correct you. Flowers are "flah-lers," and color is "clah-ler." You pronounce triangle "twi-ninnal." You still don't pronounce Ks, Rs or hard Gs.

You were such a healthy baby, but since February you have had a stomach bug (which you very kindly shared with your parents), bronchitis, ringworm, and most recently a urinary tract infection. You had a high fever for nearly a week, and your dad and I did not sleep due to our worry about you. I can't even imagine what it must be like for parents with children with life threatening illnesses. I want nothing else in this life than for my loved ones to be healthy and for my babies to outlive me.

Oh Mia Jane, every day you exceed my wildest expectations of what it would be to be a mom and to love a little one. I still look at you and can't believe you're mine, that you came from me. I am so beyond excited about what the next few months holds for our family. 

Favorite TV show: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Favorite movie: The Tigger Movie

Favorite books: Mo Willems Elephant & Piggie books and Anna Dewdney Llama Llama books

Favorite color: Purple

Favorite food: Fruit, granola, ice cream

Dear Mia: Part 12

Oh Mia, you turned 2 three weeks ago, and I just now have a moment to sit and write to you. Life is moving so so fast right now, and I don't know if I can do the past several months justice during one single naptime, but I'll try! You are a handful right now. You are funny and whip-smart and stubborn and willful and testing me at every turn. 

Your birthday was so much fun. You celebrated first in Buffalo with dad's family (and it was also AJ's first birthday), then came your real birthday, then we had a party at our house with my side of the family and some friends. You were must excited about CAKE. You did not care about anything else (well, you were also insistent that we wear party hats). You shouted to anyone within distance that it was your birthday and you would have CAKE! Once you caught on to the present aspect of the holiday you were pretty excited about that too.

 

Your birthday overshadowed Easter, but you also enjoyed hunting for eggs and eating the treats inside. 

About a month ago our neighbor Angie cut your hair. It was beginning to resemble a mullet, and I'm a little upset with myself that I let it get as bad as it did, because it looks so cute now. It is thicker and the color of a wheat field, and now you look like such a little KID.

Some other highlights of recent months:
Whenever you are freed from the confines of your clothing you run through the house shouting, "Nakey booty on the loose!"

You still call the hood of your coat a "neighborhood." You pronounce "orange" "or-shan" Call the cats "Lessa" (Tesla, although you've been pronouncing it correctly recently) and "Tonrad" (Conrad). Paper towels are "wiper towels." Piano is "pinano." You pronounce "nine," like "noin."

You call inanimate objects "fella." You'll pick up your cup of milk and carry if off with you saying, "Come on, fella."

Lately when I tell you that you can't do something you replay with, "No, but I can try." I like your can-do attitude, but no, there are some things I just won't let you do.

You love to pretend. One of your favorite things to do is play with you little kitchen and all of your stuffed animals. You pretend to cook for them and feed them. You also love to put diapers on them and dress them up. You frequently pretend we're having a birthday party at which we wear pretend hats and blow out pretend candles on a pretend cake. Or you pretend we are at the beach looking for sea shells and building sand castles.

You are so so sweet, giving hugs at any moment. When I cry you pat me and say "it's okay, mommy, it's okay" (or in one heartbreaking instance you burst into tears yourself). You declare your love for things loudly and passionately. You declare your love for anything and everything without hesitation... except your parents. You chase Conrad around the house and then sigh longingly and say, "I love him." (Sometimes you add "He is my best friend.") You randomly declare your love for Uncle Timmy or Uncle Brian. But rarely do you tell me you love me without prompting. When you do I stop whatever I'm doing to take it in.

You like to rhyme, often singing The Name Game Song ("Mia fia bo bia, etc.) or just rhyming silly things, like calling me "Mommy Dommy."

We have actual conversations now. You have thoughts completely independent from me or whatever is going on immediately around you. You tell stories. You recall events that happened months ago or explain to me what happened on an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. The other day you were drawing with sidewalk chalk and you told me you were drawing a heart. Then you said, "This heart fell down and got hurt. I will draw another one to make him feel better." I was blown away at that exchange on so many levels. The compassion, the creativity, the fact that POOF, you invented this story out of thin air!

I always hesitate to say it, because I know every parent thinks their child is a brilliant, unique snowflake, but Mia you are SMART. You just are. I don't know if I can take credit for any of it, or if it's just atoms colliding, but you blow my mind a million times a day.

We are also dealing with how to discipline you at the moment. You are a tantrum-throwing, boundary-pushing 2 year-old. It is so frustrating in the moment, but in quieter moments (like now), I can barely remember what had me so mad, so I'll just leave it here for posterity's sake, so that if I go back and read this one day I'll know you weren't the perfect angel I've conjured you up to be in my memories.

You are so very enthusiastic about life, just like your dad. And you have a big personality like him. You charm strangers and fill up a room without even realizing it. Your intent is not to capture everyone's attention, you just DO. You talk and sing and shout your excitement to anyone in earshot. You exclaim, "Mommy, I am so excited to (fill in the blank)!" often. I prefer to fly under the radar, but you don't allow it. I should probably start washing my hair more often if I'm going to be your wing woman.

When I imagine you having a sibling I always imagine you as a younger sibling. Which is next to impossible, clearly. It's probably because you are around older kids a lot with your cousins and neighbors, but its also because you are enamored with older kids in general and have next to zero interest in babies. You rarely play with your dolls. Babies basically do not exist to you unless we command you to "kiss the baby!" And you will before running off to something more important.

Hopefully this will change when you have a baby sibling of your own in just a few short months. Yes, life is about to change in a big way, my love, and I will readily admit that I am terrified. You are so perfect and fill my heart to capacity that I cannot imagine anyone taking my attention from you or my heart getting any fuller. But, I've always known that I wanted you to have a sibling. I want another child, of course, but I also think it's a great gift to be able to give you a brother or a sister, someone who will always know where you come from and (hopefully) where you are going. I can't wait to see how you change and grow with this experience.

You don't seem to have absorbed it much, although you will sometimes randomly point to my belly and say, "There's a baby in there." You have requested a brother, and wish to name him Santa, in case anyone is granting wishes. You like to give me check-ups with your pretend doctor kit and you always put the stethoscope on my belly to listen for the baby's heartbeat.

And now I'm at a total loss as to a closing here, but if I don't stop now I'll write a novel. You are amazing, that's really all there is to say. Your dad and I look at each other every day and laugh and say, "Seriously? This is our kid? How awesome is she?"

2013 in Review

Here's last year's Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? Felt real labor contractions... other than that I'm drawing a blank... potty trained a toddler? 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I said "For 2013 I'd like to try to find a moms group to join. I want to save more money and be a more positive person. And I want to be more creative, however that manifests itself." Um, I'm pretty sure I did none of those things. Way to go, Hope! As for 2014, I want to lose weight and be more frugal and save more money. I also want to be nicer to my husband.   

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Me! And a good friend had a baby about 3 weeks before me.

4. Did anyone close to you die? I'm always too superstitious to answer this question before the year ends, but no - thankfully, gratefully - no.

5. Where did you travel? We went to West Virginia for a wedding in June, and Mia and I road tripped to Saratoga Springs to visit a friend in August.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Last year I said "Another baby, or the prospect of having one." I'm so happy I got what I wished for! In 2014 I want to find our Forever House, specifically one where the floors don't creak and sound doesn't carry like a sonofabitch. Where I can get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night or put in a load of laundry during nap time without worrying I'll wake everyone up. 

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February 7 - the day I got a positive pregnancy test. October 12 - my due date. October 21 - Gracie's birthday.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it to 9 days past my due date without murdering anyone. Oh, and carrying and birthing a healthy baby.

9. What was your biggest failure? Unfortunately the same thing I said last year, any time I lost my temper with Mia. And anytime I was not very kind to Jeff.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The whole family got a horrendous stomach bug in February when I was 8 weeks pregnant. And recovering from another csection.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I went a little wild decorating Mia's big girl room, and she loves it so much I'm glad I did.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Seriously all of my family and friends were so very helpful in my last few weeks of pregnancy and after Gracie was born, making us food, watching Mia, etc. It made my heart so full.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I'm drawing a blank, so I'll leave it, no need thinking up appalling, depressing things for nothing. 

14. Where did most of your money go? The mortgage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Meeting Gracie and not being pregnant anymore! And my brother and his family moving about 10 minutes away from us. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013? Probably Katy Perry's Roar because Mia loves it and asks me to play it constantly.
 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier, I suppose, not that I was at all unhappy last year.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, ugh
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  I wish I'd been more frugal and saved more money. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I wish I'd lost my temper less.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We spent Christmas Eve at my brother's house. My parents stayed with us Christmas Eve night and we all had Christmas morning at our house. Then we went to Buffalo to visit the inlaws Christmas afternoon. It was a little too chaotic for me, and Mia did not sleep well or nap and was falling apart by 5pm Christmas, but the whole Christmas season was so fun this year with a toddler beginning to understand what it's all about.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013? Oh yes, with my new little girl.

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Good Wife, Top Chef, Homeland. Jeff and I have just started watching Breaking Bad from the beginning and we're loving it. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope.

24. What was the best book you read? Waiting for Birdy by Catherine Newman and Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.

25. What was your favorite music? I spent most of the year listening to The Black Keys station on Pandora.

26. What did you want and get? A healthy baby!

27. What did you want and not get? A new living room rug. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The only movies I saw in the theater this year were The Heat and Monsters University. The movies I enjoyed most this year were Zero Dark Thirty and The Way, Way Back.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time, so no hard partying this year. We went out to breakfast and then my family came over for pizza and cupcakes. My Greek neighbor brought over homemade spanakopita and another neighbor brought a homemade coconut cream pie. They knew the way to a pregnant lady's heart.
 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and a baby that didn't require exhausting amounts of bouncing and shushing to fall asleep. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? I started out trying to find cute maternity clothes, then I just wanted shirts that covered my belly and pants that didn't fall down. Now I'm just trying desperately to not look like the frazzled, lumpy mom I feel like inside when I leave the house.

32. What kept you sane? Sunshine.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Joseph Gordon-Levitt

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Healthcare

35. Who did you miss? Anyone I don't see every day. 

36. Who was the best new person you met? Gracie

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.  I'm 99% sure this is my last baby.

2012 in Review

This year felt much quieter than last, so this survey was harder and may seem a little boring, (not that I felt bored for all of 2012) but I still appreciate the reflection. 

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? I got a tattoo... and many firsts with Mia: Her first birthday, first time on an airplane, first time at the beach, first haircut, first ER visit, first night away from her. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I said, "I don't really think I made any last year. For 2012 I think I'll go on record to say I'd like to be a better friend. I don't think it always comes naturally to me, so I need to try harder. I'd also like to make more friends. Maybe more mommy friends for play dates. And losing this baby belly pooch would be pretty awesome too, but I'm not going to aim too high." I do think I worked on becoming a better friend. I didn't really make any new friends though, maybe some acquaintances to chat with on the playground, but not really friends. And I definitely didn't lose the baby pooch. For 2013 I'd like to try to find a moms group to join. I want to save more money and be a more positive person. And I want to be more creative, however that manifests itself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Everyone I know. We got a new nephew on March 22nd and a new niece on October 22nd. And two good friends had babies in the spring.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. Phew.

5. Where did you travel? We went to Sanibel Island, FL in July with my parents. It was an awesome vacation. Other than that we made lots of trips to Buffalo and Syracuse to see family.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Another baby, or the prospect of having one. 

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 22 and October 22 (see #3)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I don't think I had one crowning achievement, I just think I'm realizing more and more that I am good at being a stay at home mom, and for now this is the right path for me. I'm also pretty proud of how much I exercised this year. I might be in a rut right now, and I didn't lose a lot of weight, but overall I found some bliss in running in the summer and I found a group exercise class I enjoy. 

9. What was your biggest failure? Anytime I forgot Mia was just a little girl and lost my temper. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope. 

11. What was the best thing you bought? A new dishwasher. It has changed my life, no joke.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I'll just be sappy and say Mia. She's just so smart and funny and sweet. I'm so proud to be her mom. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mass shooters, I'll just leave it at that. 

14. Where did most of your money go? The mortgage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Mia's birthday, our vacation to Florida, my 30th birthday

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? Call Me Maybe or Gangam Style, just because they were so prevalent. Or maybe Kenny Chesney's El Cerrito Place because we listened to it a lot and for some reason I feel like it speaks to me.
 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? About the same.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.
 That's kind of depressing - Ending up in the same place I started!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  I wish I'd been more frugal and saved more money.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I wish I'd lost my temper with Mia less. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We had our own little Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at our house for the first time which was so simple and relaxing. Then we went to my parents house for Christmas which was not relaxing, but so so wonderful in its own way. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Every year I say, "More and more with my husband and my girl," and that will hold up until the end of time.

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Good Wife, New Girl, Top Chef, Nashville, and Jeff and I are entrenched in the first season of Homeland right now. Can't get enough.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.

24. What was the best book you read? Mudbound by Hillary Jordan

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I am not on the cutting edge when it comes to music at all, and did not really diversify my listening any this year.

26. What did you want and get? An awesome 30th birthday. A DSLR camera.

27. What did you want and not get? Pregnant. Oh well, there's always next year. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I think I saw even less movies this year than I did last year. Hmm, I enjoyed The Hunger Games.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 30! Jeff surprised me with dinner with family and friends at a fondue restaurant and then had a limo take our friends out so we could pretend we were 21 again. It was so much fun, even if I felt all of my 30 years the next day. 
 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If Mia slept past 6 am.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?  I basically just gave up on ever being any kind of clothes horse and decided to create a uniform for myself of jeans and black tops or jeans and cardigans.

32. What kept you sane? Nothing. My anxiety is at an all time high.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I know I'll think of a better answer later, because I'm always exclaiming, "oh, I love him/her!" but for now I'll say Obama, because I heart him as a person. 

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gun control. Without a doubt.

35. Who did you miss? Every year at Christmastime I miss my Grandfather so so much. And I still miss my family even though they are not that far, I daydream of all of us living down the street from one another. 

36. Who was the best new person you met? My new little neice and nephew. 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. That I need 8 hours of sleep a night to be anything resembling my best self. And maybe sometimes I will have to carry on on less than that, but at least I KNOW that about myself.

2012 in Books

I'm pretty impressed with how many books I managed to read last year. Here are my short little book reports. My favorites are indicated with asterisks.

1. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

The first half was laugh out loud funny, and I am rarely the type of person to laugh out loud at a book. Road Trips was an especially funny story. The second half was slower.

2. This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper

This is exactly the kind of book I cannot put down and want to read in any free moment I have. Yes, it may be formulaic. Yes, the characters may have been a bit one-dimensional. Yes, I could see a movie script rolling out with little trouble, something in the vein of The Family Stone. But I loved it. It was funny and fast paced and had some great one liners.

3. *State of Wonder* by Anne Patchett

The synopsis on the book jacket was not at all interesting to me, but I had heard so many people rave about this that I had to give it a try. I'm glad I did. It was like reading about the strangest dream I've ever had, yet it was so realistically rendered and the characters were so fleshed out and flawed and rich. I loved it.

4. How to Talk to a Widower by Jonathan Tropper

After 2 Tropper books in a row I see how formulaic his novels are, and yet I really enjoy them. Mediocre Jewish guy marries up, has a narcissistic mother, a father who didn't hug him enough and a slightly inappropriate relationship with his sister (does Tropper HAVE a sister?). But again, it was a fun, easy, light read that had some interesting insight into losing a spouse.

5. Bel Canto by Anne Patchett

I may be the only person on the planet who didn't LOVE this book. I had a really hard time getting into it. The plot was interesting, yes, but maybe there were TOO many characters all of who's heads we were jumping into and out of. And without giving anything away, I HATED the epilogue.

6. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling

Funny, quick, I want to be BFF's with Mindy.

7. Husband and Wife by Leah Stewart

This book started out whiny for me. I didn't like either the husband or the wife and didn't really care what happened to them, but I'm glad I kept reading, because although I never really grew to like the characters, I loved the insight into how a marriage can fall apart, how spouses can grow apart and then together again. It reminded me a bit of The Heights by Peter Hedges with the same fly-on-the-wall insight into the dissolution of a marriage of Blue Valentine.

8. *The Fault in Our Stars* by John Green

This was such a beautiful book. It might be classified as Young Adult, but nothing really makes it so other than that the main characters are teenagers. I was impressed that Green seemed to capture a teenage girl's voice pretty well. It was funny, poignant, and incredibly sad.

9. Half a Life by Darin Strauss

Here is where I realize I need to stop reading such depressing books... But seriously, I didn't like this. It's written in a very train-of-thought kind of way which I often have a hard time getting into. Sometimes it just takes me a while to get into the author's head, so I gave this a chance, but I never could get into Mr. Strauss's groove. I respect that it was intended to be a very real account of his emotions and grappling with how he felt and how he SHOULD feel after such a life-changing event, and in real life our emotions and reactions aren't neat and tidy, but it was quite disorganized feeling. Maybe that was the point, though? Maybe I am not highly evolved enough for this. Then I read in the acknowledgements that Dave Eggers had a heavy hand in editing this, and I recognized his trying-too-hard voice all over it. I'm just not a fan of Eggers' voice in memoirs.

10. Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler

I don't really remember this that well now. It was recommended by a friend. It was a quick read, and kinda funny, but not anything I hadn't heard before.

11. *Gone Girl* by Gillian Flynn

Holy sociopaths! As my good friend said, "[Flynn's] characters are chock full of WTF." But I could not. Put. It. Down. And although a lot of people took issue with the ending, I felt like it fit the characters.

12. Blueprints for Building Better Girls by Elissa Schappell

I barely remember this only a few weeks after reading it. It's short stories, that much I remember. I just remember I felt like there was too much "mystery" and too much left unsaid that we were meant to read into the characters, in every story and I didn't like that.

13. This Beautiful Life by Helen Schulman

The premise is intriguing (15 year old boy receives a pornographic video via email from a 13 year old classmate which ends up going viral. His family proceeds to fall apart). One small misstep by an otherwise good kid can change his whole future. It made me do a lot thinking about how I, as a parent, might avoid such events. But then the whole thing fell apart. Schulman rushes the ending, like she had gotten these characters into such a clusterfuck she didn't know how to get them out. And we end with a glimpse into the 13 year old's future which was strange because she wasn't really the point.

14. Looking For Alaska by John Green

I read this on vacation... that's... all I remember? I mean, I remember the plot, but I can't say it affected me in any real way. I'll say it was just good.

15. *A Grownup Kind of Pretty* by Joshilyn Jackson

Loved this.

16. Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner

I enjoyed this. It makes me wish I had a close group of girlfriends.

17. Maine by J. Courtney Sullivan

Eh. Quick, beachy read.

18. **Mudbound** by Hillary Jordan

Probably the best book I read all year. Maybe the only book I've ever openly wept while reading. And one of a few that I think I'll re-read.

19. Girls in White Dresses by Jennifer Close

I kind of hated this. Jennifer Close has a really bleak view of marriage, and I don't think she even realizes it. She wrote about every male-female relationship (and there are many in this book) in the same grim way, but wrote it as if we all feel this way and we're all just accepting it. For the record: No.

20. Canada by Richard Ford

I really hated this. God it was boring. The plot is extremely interesting (a teenage boy's parents become bank robbers - and everything that lead up to that process - and he is sent to live in Canada with a stranger), but it is so long and drawn out with so much description of the landscape. Around page 300 I really thought hard about throwing in the towel, but I powered through and, gosh, I wish I had just quit and not wasted my time. But hey, my dad thinks this will win the Pulitzer, so obviously there is some disagreement about whether this sucked or not.

21. The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides

I think this book benefited from the fact that I read it right after Canada. It was long and not much happened, but instead of page upon page of descriptions of the country-side it was page upon page of character development. Which I love. And my dad would have hated it. I told him I didn't think he'd like it and not to read it, but on second thought I should have bought him a copy to get back at him from making me read Canada.

22. The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman

It took me a long time to get through this book, but I don't mean that as a strike against it. It was actually quite good, it was really moving and kind of depressing in a way that I didn't expect.

Dear Mia: Part 11

You are almost 21 months old now, and I have to say this age is HARD. You are naughty with little concept of consequences. You hit, you kick, you bite, you throw things. You follow directions one minute, then completely ignore me the next. I am realizing that this age is as much a test for me, and a learning experience for me, as it is for you. I sometimes expect a bit too much of you because of how bright you are, I forget how young you still are. But even so, sometimes taking you out in public is like going out with a drunk girlfriend. I know you KNOW how to behave, but for the moment you are short on the resources to do so.

I also realize that any naughty behavior is purely for attention at this point, in fact, if you are being naughty while I am not in the room you will tattle on yourself, shouting, "Mia standing on chair!" which you know you're not supposed to do.

You ask "Wuh-sat?" about everything, even things you know. A million times a day I am answering "What IS that? Do you know?" And now it was morphed into "Wuh-sat, right dere?" usually said while pointing at a total stranger in the grocery store. Or "Wuh-sat -blank- doin?" Which is actually pretty funny, like the other day when you pointed to the button on my coat and said "Wuh-sat button doin?" 

We talk about Christmas a lot, and my genius idea was to take you to see the mall Santa several times in the hopes that you would eventually sit on his lap for a picture, but it has totally backfired as we've been three times now and you just seem to get more scared of him every time. The first time you walked right up and high fives him. The second time you walked right up, but stood in front of him shaking with fear, and the third time you wouldn't even wave to him as we walked past. In fact you often mutter to yourself, "Sit Santa's lap?" And then shake your head with a scowl, "No. No. No."

You are, however obsessed with Rudolph which you only refer to as "Roof-off Red-nose Reindeer Had Shiny Noooooooose." You command me to sing it several times an hour, and can finish each line yourself. If we hear it on the radio you shout with glee (see what I did there?) as if it is playing just for you. You love your Christmas pajamas that have reindeer on the feet and request I put them on you at every diaper change. You call them your "Roof-off Jams."

You sit for hours a day looking at your books. You love going to the library, sitting at the little tables and chairs and having an infinite selection to flip through. You are very into the Clifford books right now, having completely dogeared the two books we own. Whenever we visit someone else's house you seem to have a radar that hones in on where they keep the children's books and are happy to sit reading, ignoring the chaos around you. One of my favorite things in life is listening to you read books to yourself. It only takes one or two readings by us for you to essentially memorize the book and repeat it to yourself in your own little abridged language while flipping the appropriate pages.

On the flip side, the most annoying thing you do is repeat EVERYTHING you say until someone acknowledges you (in fact, as I write this I realize your dad does the same thing), and, girlfriend, you feel the need to narrate everything. I spend my entire day saying, "Yes, Elmo is red. Yes, I see you looking out the window. Yes, I HEAR Rudolph on the radio." And God help us all if your dad and I are trying to have a conversation in your presence because you will just repeat yourself until you turn blue in the face.

You are not a dancer. You love music and singing. You love jumping and climbing. You live drawing and painting, but you don't dance. This is weird to me because I can't help but tap my foot to any beat I hear and your dad likes to dance too. I just thought this was interesting to note.

Your favorite toys are probably your stuffed animals which we call your buddies.Your favorite is probably your Minnie Mouse whom you carry all over the house talking to. In fact, she is becoming your scapegoat sometimes for naughty things you know you aren't supposed to do. I hear your little voice in the other room saying, "Minnie touch Daddy's treats?" as I hear rustling in the candy bowl I thought was out of your reach, and I catch you holding Minnie up so her hand is in the bowl.

 You have become a somewhat better eater over the last couple of weeks (or maybe I have just lowered my standards). In fact, I've gotten you to eat some carrots and spinach in the last week. Some of your favorite foods are instant oatmeal, vegetarian "chicken" nuggets, yogurt, blueberries, beans, milk, peanut butter, pancakes, bacon, not mention any sweets you can get your hands on.

You are learning your colors. You cannot make hard "c" and "k" sounds. You often refer to yourself as "Mia Bo Bia." You call the hood on your coat a "neighborhood," which I totally perpetuate because I think it's awesome. You love to be tickled. You shriek with joy whenever your dad comes home from work. You are still an early bird, chirping happily at 6am every morning. You love slides. You are currently a little afraid of the shower after accidentally turning the showerhead on during bathtime.

There are some horrible, scary things going on in the world right now, my love, and my own mother tells me the only way to cope is to pull every one I love closer to me, so excuse me if I smother you with kisses and blow raspberries on your belly every hour on the hour. You are my heart personified, and I don't know what I would do if harm ever came to you, so all I can do is tell you I love you a million times a day. All I can do is hope that you know how much love surrounds you, because it is a whole lot. A whole lot, little one.

Dear Mia: Part 10

You are about 18 1/2 months old now. I started writing this post about a month ago and have had to go back and edit and rewrite a lot because you change to much, so quickly. 

You LOVE coloring and drawing - crayons, pencils, sidewalk chalk, your Magnadoodle, you love it all. You take your sidewalk chalk and walk up and down the driveway, crouching randomly to make mysterious looking marks (your dad calls them gang signs), before toddling off to scout another location. And you spend hours a day standing at the coffee table coloring in your coloring books.

You love music and singing. You try to make your dad and me sing on command by demanding specific songs. You also love to sing them yourself, but sometimes get self-conscious. Your favorites are probably Old MacDonald and The Wheels on the Bus.

You have a made up word that we cannot figure out the origin of, but we know that it roughly translates to you wanting something specific. You point and say what sounds like "mah-san" or "mah-shawn."

A few weeks ago you, your dad and I were outside and we told you we were going hunting for Dinosaurs and Elephants. You walked dutifully down the street, stopping every once in a while to crouch down, swivel your head side to side and shout, "Di-so-wah! Hey you?" (Dinosaur! Where are you?) "Eh-flat! Hey you?" (Elephant! Where are you?) It was exactly as cute as it sounds. It killed me dead. That's all I have to say about that.

You are still the pickiest of eaters. Most days you eat one decent meal and subsist on crumbs the rest of the day. I'm not sure how a person survives on ketchup and milk alone, but somehow you are still thriving. I try not to let it stress me out, I don't want to be the root of any food issues you may have down the road, but it sure is frustrating. Even more frustrating than the picky eating is the food throwing, which may just send me to an early grave, but I'll refrain from ranting about that for fear I may never stop.

We took our first trip to the ER in the middle of September. I was swinging you around by your arms and when I set you down you screamed and then wouldn't or couldn't move your right arm. Your dad and I listened to you scream for about 30 minutes as I felt increasingly positive that I was the worst mother in the entire world. We decided to take you to the hospital and I had visions of a waiting for hours, of X-rays and a tiny cast, of having to answer to a social worker. As I walked in and saw a waiting room full of kids in wheel chairs or with bloody noses, I felt like I might throw up. I couldn't stand the thought of having to sit there and wait while you were in obvious pain. But I walked up to the receptionist and told her through my own tears what had happened. She nodded to a nurse and they both agreed, "Nursemaid's elbow," and a doctor and two residents quickly ushered us to a chair in the hallway and reset your dislocated elbow right then and there. Apparently it's a really common injury among little kids, and 5 minutes later you were offered a popsicle which you reached for with your injured arm, and we were in and out in an hour. But man, I have no idea how I am going to deal with a lifetime of injuries and heart break with you. I want to wrap you in bubble wrap and never let you leave the house.

You recognize most of the letters in the alphabet. You correctly identify several different shapes. If we ask you what color something is, you always answer "green!" You can count to 14, but you always leave out the number 10. You know people's names, but if I ask you, "What is her name?" you always answer "Mia!" You call all balls "b-balls." You call potatoes "peek-a-boos" (which KILLS me every time, and I hope no one ever corrects you). You call ice cream "airplane." You insist that hippos are called "hope-ios" and that Elmo's goldfish is named Lucy (it's Dorothy). My nickname for you is Cuckoo or Cuckoo Bear. You would prefer to be naked. Always. You don't like wearing socks, but you love to have your feet tickled. When we cuddle you stroke my arm, wiggling your little hand up my shirt sleeve to touch my skin. And when my hair gets in my face you very gently try to move it out of my eyes, if you're unsuccessful you take my hand and say, "fix it, Mommy." When you suck your thumb, you rub your ear with the other hand. You've begun to suggest we do things by saying "how bout..." Like, "Mo' mote? (more milk?) No, no, how bout dooce (juice)?"

Your memory astounds me. You recognize that Wegmans is the store where you get cookies. After going to a Toddler Time gym class just once you remembered, a week later, that at gym class there was a slide and balls and you got stickers. You remember the words to countless songs and can recite some of your favorite books.

Oh, I could go on and on...

Parenting books warn against putting labels on children. We're not supposed to say, "Oh, she's my shy one," or "You're such a good girl!" We don't want to pigeonhole our children for the rest of their lives. But I find I couldn't label you if I tried. You are everything. All at once. 

Mia, you are the sun, the moon, and the stars.

I am still trying to figure you out. I will never be done figuring you out.